Keeping Strong(er)

Summer is almost here, I can feel it in the air, the whisper of warmer days, and the rustle of dried grass under my feet. I sit on my bed gazing out the window, the sky is so blue. The clouds are a fluffy, clean white, idly floating through the sky, watching the bustle of life below them

The view from my bed is a clear, open, direct view into the sky and the hills beyond our neighborhood. I feel the strongest yearning to be free, to be one of those birds flying by, to soar through the air and feel the wind in my face.

But I am suddenly pulled back to reality, for there is a pile of school text books and homework assignment sitting in front of me, shattering my want for summer and the unburdening of school.

Sighing I stare at all the work that must be finished, knowing I am behind in Biology and coming to the realization I will be doing it through the summer, to finish before the next school year. Sometimes the load of school seems almost too much to take; being someone who cannot stand failing at anything is difficult when I have never gotten a grade over D in Algebra.

A headache is coming on; I can feel an ominous ache in the back of my skull. The stress I put on myself is more than I should, and I know it. But it’s hard not to. I feel like I am ready to fail, but furious at myself for feeling the need to give up.

I was convicted in church today; about a week ago I was diagnosed with scoliosis. And I had been telling myself that I would get through this……on my own. I didn’t need help, I was tough, I had been through things like this for a long time. But as I sat in church the Lord moved me, He convicted me that I couldn’t get through this in my own strength, that I needed His strength and faith in Him to pull me through.

For the longest time in my teenage years I dealt with things I always kept to myself. I was very independent, determined to do things on my own. Feeling like I was weak if I needed help from anyone. But I found that that has changed, as have many more things since I was saved. I realized that I did need help, heavenly and earthly help. I needed the help of my Heavenly Father, and the help of my father and mother on earth.

Recently I finally spoke to my dad (: who I am very close to :) about some things that I knew he needed to know, and he could help me with. I have always wished the praise and respect of my parents, and I was terrified that they would be so ashamed of me if I told them. For two years I never did, fearing their disappointment, but finally, I did. And I thanked God for the opportunity and the time to talk to my dad. I never realized how much of a weight would be lifted when I let go of this secret I had been holding for so long.

I am sitting on my bed again, pondering the things happening in my life, pain, stress, uncertainty. But I again, as I have so many times before, feel a peace and strength in me I never had before.

The peace and strength of my Savior, smiling I look down at my schoolwork, picking up a pencil I begin the work I know I must do, knowing that God has given me the strength to go on.

~I love you dad, you mean more to me than I can ever express.