Poetry Revised

Recently I have accumulated enough poems I have written, and I'm getting them printed for a manuscript.
Which I will then try and get published, I'm being pessimistic about it, but I still hope :-)
But these are two Cinquains that I rewrote as Gogyohkas, I think they sound better this way :-)

Fooled You





Tall policeman coming toward me


his eyes squint, mine widen


he stops in front of me and takes my arm


my heart flutters in my chest


he leans down, "Hey beautiful"












The Many Forms of Love

Couple standing near by


their holdings hands, he rubs her arm


looking in his eyes, she smiles warmly


I'm grinning to myself seeing this cute scene


I'm thinking 'kiss her'.......he does






I still smile remembering what inspired me to write that last one :-)

New Beginnings

These difficult months and days are finally ended,


like coming to the end of a road I thought I had walked alone,


I look around me and finally see you standing there beside me,


I bow my head and give a small prayer of thanks and a smile


for I never truly walked that road alone

Watching and Waiting

watching and waiting


for the time to come,


when I can look in his eyes


and see my future and his love,


oh what a wonderful day that will be

Winter Break

laying in bed gazing out the window

small smile for the time I slept in


I really should get up


long stretch and bigger smile


two weeks off of school is good for you

Who? Me?!

walking through the parking lot



sun shining, cold wind blowing


two guys walk past laughing


"look at that chick!"


what! who, me?

Holding On and Letting Go

I have tried, and tried, and tried again, to put into words what I have been feeling lately.
I mean, I really have a way with words, I can put into writing what I couldn't make come out of my mouth in a million years.
But I haven't yet been able to wrap my mind around, and understand, the emotions that have crashing through my life lately, and write them down. My poor diary hasn't had a good, happy and upbeat entry in weeks....[yes, I'm one of those girls...not]
So, here I am, attempting to write it down, and why, you ask, would anyone care about my tumultuous emotions? Well, they wouldn't........

I don't even know when it started, it just did. Everything is fine, life is going along relatively smoothly, things are getting done, I've been keeping busy, blah blah blah.
But for some reason I've been feeling......unrest. I wanted nothing more than to just disappear, and come back when things had settled down.
It's been one of the hardest things trying to obtain a job, I need a car [preferably a truck], I need money, I need a scholarship, how else will I pay for college?
I can't get a car without money, and I can't get money without a car.......such a vicious cycle.

11th grade isn't all that bad, American Literature is rather boring and dull, but it's alright. I'm hounded by the annoyance of being a writer, but being terrible at grammar, why is that!?
U.S History is enlightening, I enjoy it, and Biology is just...eh, even if it did give me the answer to a crossword question last night........
It struck me as odd, and rather frustrating, how all my earlier years of school were an enjoyment. I loved to learn, filling my bran with all these facts and what-not. But I guess lately, getting so much older, I have more responsibilities, I have more things I'm able to do, school has become almost.....a burden. Then I want to smack myself because I know school is necessary, and I hate hating it, does that make sense? Probably not......

Then I got my licence, the actual card, not a permit with parental restrictions, the actual licence which mean I can go anywhere I want without an adult. And that in and of itself is another thing that has been troubling me, that wonderful feel of freedom as I'm leaving the driveway to go somewhere.

Standing on the border, lookin' out into the great unknown, 
I can feel my heart beatin' faster as I step out on my own.
There's a new horizon and the promise of a favorable wind,
I'm heading out tonight, travelin' light, I'm gonna start all over again.


That sudden and intense yank on my heart, the desire to just........go. To just drive till there isn't any road left, drive until I run out of gas, fill up and then keep going. As cliche as it sounds.....to just go where my heart takes me.


And buy a one-way ticket on a west bound train,
see how far I can go, I'm gonna go out dancin' in the pourin' rain,
talk to someone I don't know.


I sound so selfish don't I? I know I'm not the only teenage girl to ever feel this way, but I'm not like most teenage girls.
I'm a child of God, I'm pursuing membership in my church, I have duties, responsibilities, I have a wonderful and amazing family and great, loyal friends who I would never leave behind just because I have that wild side of my heart begging me to go. Of course, the feelings haven't truly faded, but I have more than I'm willing to let go of just to go off chasing a dream.
There's still so much I can do where I'm at, go to college next year, fall in love, get a degree in Journalism and take a professional photography class, publish the novel I've been writing for the past two years and a book of poetry.
I'm so happy where I'm at, but we all have a little bit of a free spirit in us, that wild side, I guess mine's just a little more.... prominent, than most.




Then there's the stress of college, my dad makes just too much money for me to qualify for FAFSA, I can't get a grant, and I'm loath to get a loan. I've been searching for a scholarship I can try and win, their out there, I'm just having a terrible time finding one.
I want to go to college so bad, there's so much more I can pursue there, my education could be so much furthered. I just pray God shows me the path He wants me to take sometime soon :)

There's another thing I'm feeling selfish about, my best friend. She's gearing up for college in January and she's got a job. And I'm stuck here with no job, and my last year of high school breathing down my neck, we only ever see each other for a few hours on Sunday. And I hate it, we spent so much time together when we were younger, when we were young enough that nothing mattered. We didn't have anything to worry about, everything was easy, but now being so much older we never have time to spend together anymore, and I hate it so much. I feel jealous of her, and yet I feel so, so happy for her at the same time, it's so confusing!

Sometimes I feel like I hate my life, but then that's just my bratty side that doesn't know when to shut up. Because I have a wonderful life.
A family, friends, a Savior, a roof over my head, food on my table, clothing, and all the other things others don't have, and I'm so amazingly blessed and thankful for it.
I have a King in Shining armor always there to come to my rescue until I have my Knight to do it for me.
I have an amazing and caring Queen who is always there to help me through anything, tell me what I need to do, give me the advice I need and turn me back the right way after I've veered of course.
And as much as the other princes and princess of our little proverbial castle annoy me to death, I have them and I love them.

I've mentioned this already, I believe. How I'm turning seventeen on Saturday, when  feel I've barely had time to enjoy being sixteen.
The last three years have flown by so quickly, every time I glance around my little Monkey is getting bigger, my brother is growing like a weed, my older brother is a man! Where did all the time go?!
Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I was nine, that was a great year, I loved being nine. Go back to when everything was fine, I didn't have the problems I have now, my brothers still deemed me worthy to talk to, school consisted of two subjects, I lived in my favorite house, if we were in trouble I was to young to know or care, things were just easier then.


But I've only written everything that seems to be going wrong, I guess I should write all the things that have going right.

I'm seventeen in four days.....yeah, I'm pretty sure that's self explanatory :)
I've been getting so much better at my writing, I've written so many poems, long detailed poems that tell a story. And I'm so proud of them, I have enough, that by next year I will get them all ready to try and get a book of poetry published.
My novel is coming along well, I've stopped writing it for now though, my emotions where pouring too much into it, and I didn't want my state of mind to influence too much where the story would go.
But I have so much of it written, pieces from the middle, pieces from the end, I just need to connect all these pieces and proofread, then I'm all set :)

On Friday and Saturday I'm having my birthday as a karaoke party, hehe.
At least we can all sing with varying degrees of success, although I think my best friend sings better than me.
We have a little bet going in our singing duel, if I win I have to buy her a box of Mike 'n' Ikes, if I win, she has to buy me a bag of Skittles ;) I'm looking forward to it, throwing what ever embarrassment I may have of singing in front of my friends and family to the wind, and just having fun :)

Well, it always happens, I actually was able to get it all down. That felt a little like venting.
That was venting wasn't it? I actually feel a little better.....*smile*

OK, so that was long....probably one of the longest posts I've ever written.
So anyway, that's kinda been me for the past few weeks, as much as I'm not happy, I am happy. Does that make sense?

I hope you all have a Happy Christmas and a wonderful New Year =)

New Years Resolutions:
-stop slacking in Algebra
-pursue a job with a little more fervor than I have been
-finish my novel

Winter Walk

Yep, I'm writing another Gogyohka......
Only because I cannot think of anything else to write, I have been writing long, sonnet-like poems and stories lately. I've been amusing myself with writing fan fiction as well, so when Thursday rolls around my creative juices have been sucked dry.....*sad face*
And these are easy, so enjoy!

strolling down 3rd Avenue


the trees have lost their garb


the cold wind blows


the sky threatens rain


I smile and walk along, hands in pockets

Poetry

Lately I have been getting frustrated with the restriction of the type of poetry I write,
the Cinquain, as I explained once, is restricted in syllable count. and I have found, after four months of writing them, I just don't like it anymore.
I have wanted, for awhile now, to go with a poem form that flows easier, one that does not have syllable restrictions, or needing rhyme, or held back by only being about nature or things such as that.

I considered so many different forms, I don't want to go only with free verse, because that is just too easy, anyone can write a free verse.
I want a restriction in how many lines you can write, that I have no problem with.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
I am yet to find a form that I'm happy with, but today, *smile* today I will try a friend of mines form,
the Gogyohka.


I flex my thin fingers


from all the times 


I've backspaced so many keys


from this freezing cold
that has chilled my fingers stiff










HA! I think I need to practice more, hhmm, I like this form....maybe I should move my poem days to Monday...then it wouldn't look like I was an idea thief.....*contemplates*
I'll give it another week, maybe a new form will come to me, or I can make one up!
How else did all our poetry forms come about?

Stand

I tried to stand, but could not
So I knelt before Your throne
Breathing in, breathing out

I went to You in prayer
I laid my sorrows at Your feet
You eased my hurt and heartache

Fresh strength you bestowed me
I felt your peace and love
I rose from my knees

And I held my head high
For in You I know
I can fight through another day
With You by my side, I will stand

Cinquain-Thursday [17]

Survive


Because sometimes


That is all you can do


When things get tough


Survive

Thankful

This last week was my favorite time of year. Beside the breath taking beauty of the trees' new garb,

it's a time were we all can just take a step back, and look at life. Look at what God has given us, see the beauty and love that surrounds us. We list things we're thankful for, we stuff ourselves with the traditional foods and we enjoy our family's company.

This year I [along with two of my siblings and my dad] went up to northern Oregon to visit my grandparents for Thanksgiving. It was so beautiful there, [albeit freezing cold ;] I absolutely loved it. After Thanksgiving day we all drove to the coast to see the ocean [can you believe it was my first time ever seeing the ocean!?] we visited Depoe Bay and Lincoln. We trolled through the little sea-side town that bordered the shore line and ate a wonderful dinner at a place called Tidal Raves.

The wind was blowing hard that day, and it was below 30*, my jean jacket over my hoody was barely enough to keep me from becoming an icicle.

Well, to touch on the ocean..

That day there were waves crashing against the rocks and sweeping thirty feet up the shore, dousing my younger brother who decided that it was cool, and he could now say "I have been touched by the ocean!'"

His shoes are now hard and white from the salt ;)

Standing as close as we could get to the water, we often had to scamper backwards to avoid the waves rushing up in an attempt to freeze our feet with it's frigid waters.

The only thing I could think of as I gazed across that vast expanse, was the awesome power of God, it was very humbling.

After a day spent at the coast and in town we finally drove back to the house. I lay on the couch that night smiling as I rewound the memories in my mind, letting them cement themselves into my memory, for I knew they would be cherished for a long time.

What I was thankful for last week,

The time I was able to spend with family we don't often get to see, and having the chance to see something so beautiful and powerful.

And I was thankful that I had another year to enjoy my family, to see them laughing and smiling.

I was thankful for the love, kindness, joy and care that I have gotten from my family and friends this year, and for the life I have been given, 

I have been given a loving family, amazing friends, a roof over my head and food on the table and the grace of a Savior who saved me from myself.

Who could ask for more?

*photos by me

Creative Writing-Thursday

Orange, red and yellow

Trees change their faces

Lanes framed in color

Time to sing Praise

Time to give Thanks







I know, it even sounds rushed and not well thought out...
I'm leaving for vacation in the morning and didn't have time to write a better poem or Cinquain.
But I hope this is at least slightly OK, have a wonderful Thanksgiving! :)
(That's why this is early)

Cinquain-Thursday [16]

Listen,


Cold wind whistling;


Hiding inside my room


Reading The Classics: Latin Four



I like.

Creative Writing-Thursday

Sometimes I feel

I have gone as far,

As I can possibly go

One step more ,

Is one more than

I feel I can take



How is Thursday here again already? I don't understand, it seems just yesterday I was typing out a Cinquain.
And now here we are again, at Thursday.....

How Can This Be?

How can this be? How can the year 2011 be coming to a close? How can I be a month from seventeen when I have had no time to enjoy being sixteen?
This year has coasted past me in a flurry of difficulty, joys, trials and errors, choices and growing up.
So much has happened this past year.....almost too much to describe.

The difficulties, being diagnosed with multiple scoliosis.....a painful hindrance to much I want to do.
The joys, my salvation which changed my life and where it is heading in a complete 180*
The trials and errors, battling with my sinful nature, and allowing it to win on occasion, the job searching and failing.
The choices, trying to decide if college or an Institute for the Arts is a better choice, do I contemplate moving out or staying at home? Do I try and go for that scholarship or get a student loan?
And the growing up, oh, I have done so much growing up it seems!! And I know I have so much more to do, I am yet a young woman, yet to reach her full maturity in womanhood.

So many events of the past year have moved me, changed me, hurt me and made me happy. I spoke of growing up in the form of driving a few months ago.........my license arrived in the mail three days ago.

For as long as I can remember, I looked forward to school. I loved learning.
But this year has been so difficult for me school-wise. I have never felt so much despair over something, that gnawing sensation of failure.
Does this make me prideful and arrogant, the anger I feel at failing? Maybe it does, maybe I am prideful and arrogant.......maybe I am being taught a lesson....
Lord willing this is my last full year of high school, Lord willing I graduate next year after a semester of 12th grade. Then I can focus on pursuing a job, saving up some money to help with college.

Strangely enough [or maybe not so strange] the words by Lewis from Till We Have Faces, come to my mind.

I have always...had a longing for death...it was happy days I longed the most...when we were up there on the hills...with the wind and sunshine.....and because it was so beautiful it set me longing, always longing


Yes! because death means eternity with Christ! Forever in perfection singing praises to my Savior.....
How glorious that day will be, when Jesus descends from the heavens and that trumpet sounds.
"......and every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess....."


Oh yes, I will be kneeling, and I will be confessing....I am kneeling and I am confessing, I am confessing everyday for the sins of my thoughts or deeds.
How amazing and glorious it is to know your heart has been wiped clean, your soul washed in the blood of Christ.....What a beautiful day it will be.....

In last weeks message my Pastor mentioned something.....how new believers have moments where they ask, "Lord, what wilt thou have me do, Lord What Shall I Do?"
And I smiled.

It was when I was happiest that I longed most...The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing...to find the place where all the beauty came from.

Cinquain-Thursday [15]

Biting


Freezing cold wind


Rain is the norm this week


My favorite time of the year


Is here!!



Forgive the ever so late posting of this Thursday's post!!
This past week has been............eventful.

Photography

Gadsby Hymns, #195

Assist my soul, my heavenly King,
Thy everlasting love to sing;
And joyful spread thy praise abroad,
As one, through grace, that's born of God.


[No, it is not the will of man
My soul's new heavenly birth began;
Nor will nor power of flesh and blood
That turned my heart from sin to God.]


Herein let self be all abased,
And sovereign love alone confessed;
This be my song through all the road,
That born I am, and born of God.


Oh may this love my soul constrain
To make returns of love again;
That I, while earth is my abode,
May live like one that's born of God.


[May I thy praises daily show,
Who has created all things new,
and washed me in a Savior's blood
To prove I am a child of God.]


And when the appointed hour shall come,
That thou wilt call me to my home,
Joyful I'll pass the chilling flood,
And die as one that's born of God.


Then shall my soul triumphant rise
To its blest mansion in the skies;
And in that glorious, bright abode,
Sing then as one that's born of God.



Isn't this simply one of the most beautiful hymns you have ever heard?
as we sang this in church a few weeks ago I began to almost cry.
This song touched my heart, and sang the words I had been trying to express for so long.
The poems and the thoughts I shared, and here they were, written in a hymn for me to sing or to pray.
I wanted to share this with everyone who reads, or happens upon my blog, because this is a glorious hymn. And one that encourages those of us waited patiently to go 'home'.

Define Me

The joy I have felt
The peace I have found
The hurt I have overcome
The trials I have been through
The obstacles I have removed
The happiness I enjoy
The family I hold so dear
The friends I forever cherish

The comfort I have experienced
The eased suffering
The heartache and the loss
The love lost and gained
The winning and the losing
The hurt caused by the tongue
The swallowed pride and apologies
The grudge and the forgiveness

The tough days and harder years
The realizations and the acceptance
The surprises and the laughs
The new and the old
The broken and renewed dreams
The lost and gained again hope
The failure and the success

The life of a sinner
Saved by His Grace
Not of myself
It was the gift of God
These are the moments, the emotions
The trials and the errors
The crossed mountains and seas
And the hurls and the ditches
That defined who I was
Define who I am
And who I will become





*I am defined by the Creator of all
The Potter of the clay

Creative Writing-Thursday

It is, to my dismay

That I have to say

That I have drawn
A blank

I've have done
so much writing
In the last few days
My mind has been drained

My fingers are sore
My brain is tired
Ideas have seemed
To come to a halt

So this is all
I will say today
I will do my very best
To do better next week

*I had to outdo a certain friend of mine photo wise ;) 

A New World

The morning breaks
the world awakens
the cold bites
the heavens begin weeping

Their tears pour groundward
in an unending downfall
they create muddy puddles
for splashing and stomping in

The skies rhythmical teardrops

their melodic pattering lullaby beats

on the summers dry foliage

the flower's faces droop increasingly lonely

Before long all flowers have disappeared
rivlets of clean cool rain meander
their cold feet leave nothing untouched
their wakes leaves a newly washed world

Everything sparkles, gleams, and shines and reflects
the way unique to after a rainfall
the animals step blinking out of shelter
to view in awe, a new world

Songs to Lift the Heart

When I'm stuck in this nothingness by myself,
I'm sitting here in silence, there's no way I can make it without your help, 
I won't even try. 
I know you have your reasons for everything,  
so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God You are my hope, and you'll be my strength.

No matter what, I 'm gonna love You 
No matter what, I'm gonna need You, 
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, if not, I'll trust You, no matter what, no matter what.




No matter our pain, no matter our suffering, no matter our loneliness, trust in Him always.


Everywhere I go, everyone is talking
I can feel them staring, they hope I'm just pretending
and giving up my power, caving into pressure
I'm not living for them, I live for something better

I'm not good enough, I'm not what they want
But let me tell you what, I know who I am
So just throw me out for not fitting in
I will stand my ground and be an outcast


Don't ever change who you are to conform to this world, you are the child of God. No matter what people say, how people act, don't change for the world, you have been changed by God, and that is all that matters.





I know the journey seems so long
You feel your walking on your own 
But there has never been a step
Where you've walked out all alone
Troubled soul don't lose your heart
'cause the joy and peace He brings, 
and the beauty that's in store,
outweighs the hurt of life's sting
There will be a day, with no more tears,
no more pain, and no more fears. There will be a day when the burdens of this place will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face


Although it hurts now, although it's so hard right now, never lose Faith. Even when life feels like it's winning the battle, never lose that hope, that faith and hope in the coming of our Lord, we will be rid of this world to be with Christ in glory forever.


Weak and weary sinner longing for relief
You've been watching, as disaster steals another piece
of all you held so close, what you love the most,
but you can never keep, and hope seems like a promise,
just out of reach.  You'd die to feel alive again,
you long to be set free

Then love comes down, when your heart is lost,
when you've seen your whole world shattered,
and your dreams just fall apart.
So lift up your voice, let Him hear your cry,
when you've got nothing left to hold onto,
that's when love comes down

Life can be so painful at times, you feel so alone, but never give in to those feelings. He is always there by you, he is always by your side holding you up. He will never give you more than you can handle, He knows the length of your strength, and He will always be there to guide you, even when you feel alone, you are not.

Songs: Kerri Roberts-No Matter What, Outcast
Jeremy Camp-There Will Be a Day
Kerri Roberts-Love Comes Down

Winters War

Sometimes the cold can seem alive
Avid in her pursuit of dominion and power
Undaunted by her victims armor
Of blanket and fire


Even the trees, mighty and strong
Succumb to her penetrating gaze
Her ally, the wind, helps in her quest
Blowing her soldiers, ice, through the sky


She continues her assault, seemingly winning
But a time will eventually come, when even she
Cannot win against the warmth of summer, her enemy
For the consuming heat is just as avid in his quest 


For who are we to battle such powers?
Their Master, eternal, powerful and mighty
Controls their every gust, their every move
We fight with what we can, but it as yet, an unwinnable battle


Their Master, though He is never seen
His gaze cuts across the land 
Knowing our every move, our every counter attack
But our attacks, our skirmishes, are useless


We do them not for the purpose to overthrow
But to simply combat the weapon
Of the enemy that will never be beat
But then again, this was never truly a battle


To be a battle, one side must have a chance of winning
And we are yet to find any true defense against
Something so powerful, but controlled by something
Even more powerful, more omnipresent


The battle will always be fought, always tried to be won
But only a few truly know that fighting is useless
That it was never truly a battle at all
Simply the people trying to protect themselves 


But here I have written, such a long
And quite useless poem, to try my best
To get across a few simple ideas, how well have I done?
I have yet to tell.


A lesson, He sees ALL, He hears ALL
A lesson, we fight against those that need not be fought against
A lesson, though it hurts or is uncomfortable now
It will not be forever, a Glorious End will soon come

Verse

Twirling around under the sky   

Arms stretched out wide

Smiling and laughing

Under the warm May sun

Turning and skipping around

Holding her hand tight

Little sister and I begin

To kick up the flower petals

Red and purple, blue and yellow

Soft velvet masterpiece

Scatter about in the air

Smiling and laughing, we turn home 

Isaiah 40: 29-31

The Mercy and Grace of the Lord

Yesterday was an eventful day, firstly, my family and I went along with our home school group to a place called Woodleaf. An amazing and beautiful place, a large lake, large pool, slides, a swing that rises 100 ft. in the air an swings you out over the lake, and many other amazing characteristics. My best friend and I enjoyed the game room mainly, which was open to us this time. Pool tables, Foosball, and Ping-Pong, pool being the one we enjoyed the most.

After spending almost the entire day talking, laughing, and having an amazing time of 'togetherness', it was time for us to leave. It was about 4:15 in the afternoon when we left, but then, when we were about twenty minutes from home, we noticed our Gramma gesturing wildly at us through her windshield to pull over. And the moment we did, smoke began to billow out from under where our wheels were. Our brakes, apparently, had burned out.
Everyone scrambled out of the car and grabbed their things, the smell of burning brakes permeated the car, everyone, [my family minus one,  my little sis' best friend and Gramma] crowded around our smoking van and stared in amazement.
After a few minutes we decided that it was probably not wise to continue driving, so mom called dad [the blessings of a dad working in equipment rentals] and dad said he would bring out a car dolly, be he couldn't be there until the store closed. [at 5:00]
So we all sat on the side of the road for forty-five minutes patiently waiting for dad to come get us.
[It was a small blessing to see that at least some of the people who drove by and saw our predicament, bothered to stop and ask if we were ok]
After awhile of sitting and talking, my gramma and mom mentioned how it was such a blessing that gramma noticed something was wrong. The Lord kept us save that day, or we, in all probability, would have flown through the stop sign with no brakes and gotten in an accident. I was slightly disappointed at this turn of events, because it meant my breakfast with dad the next morning would be ruined.
But also, as a side though, thank the Lord it was a cool afternoon, because it was pleasant enough sitting on the side of the road waiting for dad to come rescue us.
Dad finally arrived with the car dolly, he hitched the van up and we were able to get home in one piece.

And so this morning, dad had to pull the van up to Chico and get it to Midas, which took a significant amount of time longer, because we missed our turn three times.... .....
We finally got it there, and then dad and I went back to our town and had the breakfast we had been planning for for three weeks, though it was really a brunch ;)
We then left for his work to put the car dolly back, and hitch up the log-splitter, which we towed home to cut all the logs we had so we can have our fireplace going this winter.
After getting it home and unhooked we all drove down to our 7-11 to get slurpees, then we got home again and split about forty logs.

All in all this was an eventful weekend, we were able to enjoy a wonderful day, [weather and fun wise]  and we were again shown the mercy and sovereignty of God.
The Lord kept us safe in a potentially very dangerous situation, and I got my breakfast with dad after all =)