Holding On and Letting Go

I have tried, and tried, and tried again, to put into words what I have been feeling lately.
I mean, I really have a way with words, I can put into writing what I couldn't make come out of my mouth in a million years.
But I haven't yet been able to wrap my mind around, and understand, the emotions that have crashing through my life lately, and write them down. My poor diary hasn't had a good, happy and upbeat entry in weeks....[yes, I'm one of those girls...not]
So, here I am, attempting to write it down, and why, you ask, would anyone care about my tumultuous emotions? Well, they wouldn't........

I don't even know when it started, it just did. Everything is fine, life is going along relatively smoothly, things are getting done, I've been keeping busy, blah blah blah.
But for some reason I've been feeling......unrest. I wanted nothing more than to just disappear, and come back when things had settled down.
It's been one of the hardest things trying to obtain a job, I need a car [preferably a truck], I need money, I need a scholarship, how else will I pay for college?
I can't get a car without money, and I can't get money without a car.......such a vicious cycle.

11th grade isn't all that bad, American Literature is rather boring and dull, but it's alright. I'm hounded by the annoyance of being a writer, but being terrible at grammar, why is that!?
U.S History is enlightening, I enjoy it, and Biology is just...eh, even if it did give me the answer to a crossword question last night........
It struck me as odd, and rather frustrating, how all my earlier years of school were an enjoyment. I loved to learn, filling my bran with all these facts and what-not. But I guess lately, getting so much older, I have more responsibilities, I have more things I'm able to do, school has become almost.....a burden. Then I want to smack myself because I know school is necessary, and I hate hating it, does that make sense? Probably not......

Then I got my licence, the actual card, not a permit with parental restrictions, the actual licence which mean I can go anywhere I want without an adult. And that in and of itself is another thing that has been troubling me, that wonderful feel of freedom as I'm leaving the driveway to go somewhere.

Standing on the border, lookin' out into the great unknown, 
I can feel my heart beatin' faster as I step out on my own.
There's a new horizon and the promise of a favorable wind,
I'm heading out tonight, travelin' light, I'm gonna start all over again.


That sudden and intense yank on my heart, the desire to just........go. To just drive till there isn't any road left, drive until I run out of gas, fill up and then keep going. As cliche as it sounds.....to just go where my heart takes me.


And buy a one-way ticket on a west bound train,
see how far I can go, I'm gonna go out dancin' in the pourin' rain,
talk to someone I don't know.


I sound so selfish don't I? I know I'm not the only teenage girl to ever feel this way, but I'm not like most teenage girls.
I'm a child of God, I'm pursuing membership in my church, I have duties, responsibilities, I have a wonderful and amazing family and great, loyal friends who I would never leave behind just because I have that wild side of my heart begging me to go. Of course, the feelings haven't truly faded, but I have more than I'm willing to let go of just to go off chasing a dream.
There's still so much I can do where I'm at, go to college next year, fall in love, get a degree in Journalism and take a professional photography class, publish the novel I've been writing for the past two years and a book of poetry.
I'm so happy where I'm at, but we all have a little bit of a free spirit in us, that wild side, I guess mine's just a little more.... prominent, than most.




Then there's the stress of college, my dad makes just too much money for me to qualify for FAFSA, I can't get a grant, and I'm loath to get a loan. I've been searching for a scholarship I can try and win, their out there, I'm just having a terrible time finding one.
I want to go to college so bad, there's so much more I can pursue there, my education could be so much furthered. I just pray God shows me the path He wants me to take sometime soon :)

There's another thing I'm feeling selfish about, my best friend. She's gearing up for college in January and she's got a job. And I'm stuck here with no job, and my last year of high school breathing down my neck, we only ever see each other for a few hours on Sunday. And I hate it, we spent so much time together when we were younger, when we were young enough that nothing mattered. We didn't have anything to worry about, everything was easy, but now being so much older we never have time to spend together anymore, and I hate it so much. I feel jealous of her, and yet I feel so, so happy for her at the same time, it's so confusing!

Sometimes I feel like I hate my life, but then that's just my bratty side that doesn't know when to shut up. Because I have a wonderful life.
A family, friends, a Savior, a roof over my head, food on my table, clothing, and all the other things others don't have, and I'm so amazingly blessed and thankful for it.
I have a King in Shining armor always there to come to my rescue until I have my Knight to do it for me.
I have an amazing and caring Queen who is always there to help me through anything, tell me what I need to do, give me the advice I need and turn me back the right way after I've veered of course.
And as much as the other princes and princess of our little proverbial castle annoy me to death, I have them and I love them.

I've mentioned this already, I believe. How I'm turning seventeen on Saturday, when  feel I've barely had time to enjoy being sixteen.
The last three years have flown by so quickly, every time I glance around my little Monkey is getting bigger, my brother is growing like a weed, my older brother is a man! Where did all the time go?!
Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I was nine, that was a great year, I loved being nine. Go back to when everything was fine, I didn't have the problems I have now, my brothers still deemed me worthy to talk to, school consisted of two subjects, I lived in my favorite house, if we were in trouble I was to young to know or care, things were just easier then.


But I've only written everything that seems to be going wrong, I guess I should write all the things that have going right.

I'm seventeen in four days.....yeah, I'm pretty sure that's self explanatory :)
I've been getting so much better at my writing, I've written so many poems, long detailed poems that tell a story. And I'm so proud of them, I have enough, that by next year I will get them all ready to try and get a book of poetry published.
My novel is coming along well, I've stopped writing it for now though, my emotions where pouring too much into it, and I didn't want my state of mind to influence too much where the story would go.
But I have so much of it written, pieces from the middle, pieces from the end, I just need to connect all these pieces and proofread, then I'm all set :)

On Friday and Saturday I'm having my birthday as a karaoke party, hehe.
At least we can all sing with varying degrees of success, although I think my best friend sings better than me.
We have a little bet going in our singing duel, if I win I have to buy her a box of Mike 'n' Ikes, if I win, she has to buy me a bag of Skittles ;) I'm looking forward to it, throwing what ever embarrassment I may have of singing in front of my friends and family to the wind, and just having fun :)

Well, it always happens, I actually was able to get it all down. That felt a little like venting.
That was venting wasn't it? I actually feel a little better.....*smile*

OK, so that was long....probably one of the longest posts I've ever written.
So anyway, that's kinda been me for the past few weeks, as much as I'm not happy, I am happy. Does that make sense?

I hope you all have a Happy Christmas and a wonderful New Year =)

New Years Resolutions:
-stop slacking in Algebra
-pursue a job with a little more fervor than I have been
-finish my novel