Cold day activities

Bundled up in a sweater,

school is finished for the day,

curled up on the couch,

headphones over my ears,

crocheting a blanket.

*Yes, I am actually crocheting this blanket, and it's folded

so it's actually three times that width....

Holding On and Letting Go

I have tried, and tried, and tried again, to put into words what I have been feeling lately.
I mean, I really have a way with words, I can put into writing what I couldn't make come out of my mouth in a million years.
But I haven't yet been able to wrap my mind around, and understand, the emotions that have crashing through my life lately, and write them down. My poor diary hasn't had a good, happy and upbeat entry in weeks....[yes, I'm one of those girls...not]
So, here I am, attempting to write it down, and why, you ask, would anyone care about my tumultuous emotions? Well, they wouldn't........

I don't even know when it started, it just did. Everything is fine, life is going along relatively smoothly, things are getting done, I've been keeping busy, blah blah blah.
But for some reason I've been feeling......unrest. I wanted nothing more than to just disappear, and come back when things had settled down.
It's been one of the hardest things trying to obtain a job, I need a car [preferably a truck], I need money, I need a scholarship, how else will I pay for college?
I can't get a car without money, and I can't get money without a car.......such a vicious cycle.

11th grade isn't all that bad, American Literature is rather boring and dull, but it's alright. I'm hounded by the annoyance of being a writer, but being terrible at grammar, why is that!?
U.S History is enlightening, I enjoy it, and Biology is just...eh, even if it did give me the answer to a crossword question last night........
It struck me as odd, and rather frustrating, how all my earlier years of school were an enjoyment. I loved to learn, filling my bran with all these facts and what-not. But I guess lately, getting so much older, I have more responsibilities, I have more things I'm able to do, school has become almost.....a burden. Then I want to smack myself because I know school is necessary, and I hate hating it, does that make sense? Probably not......

Then I got my licence, the actual card, not a permit with parental restrictions, the actual licence which mean I can go anywhere I want without an adult. And that in and of itself is another thing that has been troubling me, that wonderful feel of freedom as I'm leaving the driveway to go somewhere.

Standing on the border, lookin' out into the great unknown, 
I can feel my heart beatin' faster as I step out on my own.
There's a new horizon and the promise of a favorable wind,
I'm heading out tonight, travelin' light, I'm gonna start all over again.


That sudden and intense yank on my heart, the desire to just........go. To just drive till there isn't any road left, drive until I run out of gas, fill up and then keep going. As cliche as it sounds.....to just go where my heart takes me.


And buy a one-way ticket on a west bound train,
see how far I can go, I'm gonna go out dancin' in the pourin' rain,
talk to someone I don't know.


I sound so selfish don't I? I know I'm not the only teenage girl to ever feel this way, but I'm not like most teenage girls.
I'm a child of God, I'm pursuing membership in my church, I have duties, responsibilities, I have a wonderful and amazing family and great, loyal friends who I would never leave behind just because I have that wild side of my heart begging me to go. Of course, the feelings haven't truly faded, but I have more than I'm willing to let go of just to go off chasing a dream.
There's still so much I can do where I'm at, go to college next year, fall in love, get a degree in Journalism and take a professional photography class, publish the novel I've been writing for the past two years and a book of poetry.
I'm so happy where I'm at, but we all have a little bit of a free spirit in us, that wild side, I guess mine's just a little more.... prominent, than most.




Then there's the stress of college, my dad makes just too much money for me to qualify for FAFSA, I can't get a grant, and I'm loath to get a loan. I've been searching for a scholarship I can try and win, their out there, I'm just having a terrible time finding one.
I want to go to college so bad, there's so much more I can pursue there, my education could be so much furthered. I just pray God shows me the path He wants me to take sometime soon :)

There's another thing I'm feeling selfish about, my best friend. She's gearing up for college in January and she's got a job. And I'm stuck here with no job, and my last year of high school breathing down my neck, we only ever see each other for a few hours on Sunday. And I hate it, we spent so much time together when we were younger, when we were young enough that nothing mattered. We didn't have anything to worry about, everything was easy, but now being so much older we never have time to spend together anymore, and I hate it so much. I feel jealous of her, and yet I feel so, so happy for her at the same time, it's so confusing!

Sometimes I feel like I hate my life, but then that's just my bratty side that doesn't know when to shut up. Because I have a wonderful life.
A family, friends, a Savior, a roof over my head, food on my table, clothing, and all the other things others don't have, and I'm so amazingly blessed and thankful for it.
I have a King in Shining armor always there to come to my rescue until I have my Knight to do it for me.
I have an amazing and caring Queen who is always there to help me through anything, tell me what I need to do, give me the advice I need and turn me back the right way after I've veered of course.
And as much as the other princes and princess of our little proverbial castle annoy me to death, I have them and I love them.

I've mentioned this already, I believe. How I'm turning seventeen on Saturday, when  feel I've barely had time to enjoy being sixteen.
The last three years have flown by so quickly, every time I glance around my little Monkey is getting bigger, my brother is growing like a weed, my older brother is a man! Where did all the time go?!
Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I was nine, that was a great year, I loved being nine. Go back to when everything was fine, I didn't have the problems I have now, my brothers still deemed me worthy to talk to, school consisted of two subjects, I lived in my favorite house, if we were in trouble I was to young to know or care, things were just easier then.


But I've only written everything that seems to be going wrong, I guess I should write all the things that have going right.

I'm seventeen in four days.....yeah, I'm pretty sure that's self explanatory :)
I've been getting so much better at my writing, I've written so many poems, long detailed poems that tell a story. And I'm so proud of them, I have enough, that by next year I will get them all ready to try and get a book of poetry published.
My novel is coming along well, I've stopped writing it for now though, my emotions where pouring too much into it, and I didn't want my state of mind to influence too much where the story would go.
But I have so much of it written, pieces from the middle, pieces from the end, I just need to connect all these pieces and proofread, then I'm all set :)

On Friday and Saturday I'm having my birthday as a karaoke party, hehe.
At least we can all sing with varying degrees of success, although I think my best friend sings better than me.
We have a little bet going in our singing duel, if I win I have to buy her a box of Mike 'n' Ikes, if I win, she has to buy me a bag of Skittles ;) I'm looking forward to it, throwing what ever embarrassment I may have of singing in front of my friends and family to the wind, and just having fun :)

Well, it always happens, I actually was able to get it all down. That felt a little like venting.
That was venting wasn't it? I actually feel a little better.....*smile*

OK, so that was long....probably one of the longest posts I've ever written.
So anyway, that's kinda been me for the past few weeks, as much as I'm not happy, I am happy. Does that make sense?

I hope you all have a Happy Christmas and a wonderful New Year =)

New Years Resolutions:
-stop slacking in Algebra
-pursue a job with a little more fervor than I have been
-finish my novel

Songs to Lift the Heart

When I'm stuck in this nothingness by myself,
I'm sitting here in silence, there's no way I can make it without your help, 
I won't even try. 
I know you have your reasons for everything,  
so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God You are my hope, and you'll be my strength.

No matter what, I 'm gonna love You 
No matter what, I'm gonna need You, 
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, if not, I'll trust You, no matter what, no matter what.




No matter our pain, no matter our suffering, no matter our loneliness, trust in Him always.


Everywhere I go, everyone is talking
I can feel them staring, they hope I'm just pretending
and giving up my power, caving into pressure
I'm not living for them, I live for something better

I'm not good enough, I'm not what they want
But let me tell you what, I know who I am
So just throw me out for not fitting in
I will stand my ground and be an outcast


Don't ever change who you are to conform to this world, you are the child of God. No matter what people say, how people act, don't change for the world, you have been changed by God, and that is all that matters.





I know the journey seems so long
You feel your walking on your own 
But there has never been a step
Where you've walked out all alone
Troubled soul don't lose your heart
'cause the joy and peace He brings, 
and the beauty that's in store,
outweighs the hurt of life's sting
There will be a day, with no more tears,
no more pain, and no more fears. There will be a day when the burdens of this place will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face


Although it hurts now, although it's so hard right now, never lose Faith. Even when life feels like it's winning the battle, never lose that hope, that faith and hope in the coming of our Lord, we will be rid of this world to be with Christ in glory forever.


Weak and weary sinner longing for relief
You've been watching, as disaster steals another piece
of all you held so close, what you love the most,
but you can never keep, and hope seems like a promise,
just out of reach.  You'd die to feel alive again,
you long to be set free

Then love comes down, when your heart is lost,
when you've seen your whole world shattered,
and your dreams just fall apart.
So lift up your voice, let Him hear your cry,
when you've got nothing left to hold onto,
that's when love comes down

Life can be so painful at times, you feel so alone, but never give in to those feelings. He is always there by you, he is always by your side holding you up. He will never give you more than you can handle, He knows the length of your strength, and He will always be there to guide you, even when you feel alone, you are not.

Songs: Kerri Roberts-No Matter What, Outcast
Jeremy Camp-There Will Be a Day
Kerri Roberts-Love Comes Down

Simply.....Happy

I just feel the need to share my joy and peace right now. I have never been one (for years) to feel completely at peace, or so very happy. But in the last few months (Mostly because I have the Holy Spirit dwelling in me) I have been utterly...... ecstatic, in spirit and mind. Happy with life, joyful in family, peace in the Word, smiles and laughter with a pretty cool little sister. I am sure I am not the only one who has times like these :)


Praise God from whom all blessings flow

Catching Up

Well, I have been absent for over two weeks now....life seems to get in the way of my 'to-do' list quite often :)
This particular post is more of a Journal entry tonight, it is the fourth of July and I have just come back inside after watching the fireworks from our driveway. For most, the fourth of July reminds them of the day we gained independence, but for me, I am reminded of all the men and women out there at this very moment  keeping that independence for us.
Two weeks ago I went up to Oregon with my Grandma and Mom to help my aunt deal with the things that needed to be done after my great grandma past away. It was hard seeing them grieve. The week was more emotional stress than anything else.
And last week my best friend was over for the week, and having us two together...........nothing ever gets done.
Nothing but movie watching, candy eating and trips to our 7-11 :)


I also seem to have neglected putting up last weeks Cinquain, I'll have to remember on Thursday and post two of them :)


Right now I feel slightly nervous, my first driving lesson is tomorrow morning, and it is the first time I will really be taught how to drive. Man from the DMV and unfamiliar car and all.
Prayer and some deep breaths and I'll be fine, I'm a good driver, it's only the nerves that will get to me.
Life has been so amazing the last couple months, the feeling of love and contentment is wonderful. I have never had this particular mix of emotions before.......I love it :) 


Have a wonderful night and God bless :)

Memories Are All That is Left

What do you do when someone you love dies?
What do you do when all that is left of them are memories?
What do you do when you want to comfort, but feel none yourself?
What do you do when you feel like you need to cry, but the tears will not come?
Pray, and find peace and comfort in Christ.

The Beauty of a Sunny Day

It's June and outside the sun is shining and warm breezes drifts through the air. 
The trees have lost all their leaves and the grass has turned brown. For a month we have been waiting for our summer to finally arrive, and now that it has, I am ecstatic. My favorite time of year is winter, but there is something about a hot summers day that takes the cake. The river and lakes here are a sparkling blue, the bare oak trees make a uniquely shaped silhouette against the sky.  

Large F250s hauling boats are driving the streets to the destination of Oroville Lake, and teenagers are out in fuller numbers now that school is out. 


Would you believe that the atmosphere of the city seems to change come summer? It is most likely just me, but I can feel a change in the air during summer, the smell of water and the taste of freedom and slurpees. (slurpees being Oroville's version of an icee)

There is just something about waking up in the morning, the sun shining through the window, and a nice long stretch, yawning and laying back with a smile, knowing that your burden of school is over for three whole months. The prospect of week long sleepovers, 711 runs, trips to the lake, walks, and the general freedom of  NO SCHOOL makes me smile. 


I may sound like I am making a big deal out of nothing, but lately I have been really happy. Things are moving ahead, my licence is just around the corner, and summer brings more chances to look for a job. 


There is also Vacation Bible School I am volunteering at this July as well, as a kind of TA :)
I have great memories from doing it last year, I made a few good little friends in some of the kids there.


Well, to make a long-winded jabbering-on short, I am greatly loving summer and looking forward to the things I will be doing during it.


*Let us give praise for this day, this day which was given us in His mercy

The Beauty of a Rainy Day

It's June, and it raining outside, and there are dark clouds circling in the sky. The cold wind is blowing and the ground is wet and slippery. Yet, I feel happy.

After being behind in school and feeling so bad and annoyed about it, I finally have have the tantalizing aspect of summer freedom barely two weeks away. I have finally almost completely caught up in all my classes, and very eager for summer, yet looking forward to my last year of school in September. My best friend is going to college this year, and a friend from where I volunteer is leaving for Stanford this year as well, I had always felt like everyone was leaving me behind. But now I don't, I feel like I can finally be patient enough to know I can make it through the next year in one piece :)


Even when it's like this outside, I am still happy, this rain won't last forever. I am looking forward to wake up in a morning soon where I look out my window and see the sun and all of God's glorious creation shining in the mask of a new day. Even when it is cold and wet I am amazed by His creation, the simple science of a rainy day is almost too much to comprehend. Our God is an Awesome God.


*Tomorrow is a new day, and a new day brings a new chance

Keeping Strong(er)

Summer is almost here, I can feel it in the air, the whisper of warmer days, and the rustle of dried grass under my feet. I sit on my bed gazing out the window, the sky is so blue. The clouds are a fluffy, clean white, idly floating through the sky, watching the bustle of life below them

The view from my bed is a clear, open, direct view into the sky and the hills beyond our neighborhood. I feel the strongest yearning to be free, to be one of those birds flying by, to soar through the air and feel the wind in my face.

But I am suddenly pulled back to reality, for there is a pile of school text books and homework assignment sitting in front of me, shattering my want for summer and the unburdening of school.

Sighing I stare at all the work that must be finished, knowing I am behind in Biology and coming to the realization I will be doing it through the summer, to finish before the next school year. Sometimes the load of school seems almost too much to take; being someone who cannot stand failing at anything is difficult when I have never gotten a grade over D in Algebra.

A headache is coming on; I can feel an ominous ache in the back of my skull. The stress I put on myself is more than I should, and I know it. But it’s hard not to. I feel like I am ready to fail, but furious at myself for feeling the need to give up.

I was convicted in church today; about a week ago I was diagnosed with scoliosis. And I had been telling myself that I would get through this……on my own. I didn’t need help, I was tough, I had been through things like this for a long time. But as I sat in church the Lord moved me, He convicted me that I couldn’t get through this in my own strength, that I needed His strength and faith in Him to pull me through.

For the longest time in my teenage years I dealt with things I always kept to myself. I was very independent, determined to do things on my own. Feeling like I was weak if I needed help from anyone. But I found that that has changed, as have many more things since I was saved. I realized that I did need help, heavenly and earthly help. I needed the help of my Heavenly Father, and the help of my father and mother on earth.

Recently I finally spoke to my dad (: who I am very close to :) about some things that I knew he needed to know, and he could help me with. I have always wished the praise and respect of my parents, and I was terrified that they would be so ashamed of me if I told them. For two years I never did, fearing their disappointment, but finally, I did. And I thanked God for the opportunity and the time to talk to my dad. I never realized how much of a weight would be lifted when I let go of this secret I had been holding for so long.

I am sitting on my bed again, pondering the things happening in my life, pain, stress, uncertainty. But I again, as I have so many times before, feel a peace and strength in me I never had before.

The peace and strength of my Savior, smiling I look down at my schoolwork, picking up a pencil I begin the work I know I must do, knowing that God has given me the strength to go on.

~I love you dad, you mean more to me than I can ever express. 

Market

Yesterday was the Thursday Night Market in downtown Chico.  (Now, I simply love going to these markets, there are so many things to enjoy or look at.)
As my mom and my Gramma and I waded through the sea of diverse people I could help but contemplate on the large variety of people out there that night.


Young teenage girls wearing almost nothing at all, others girls wearing things that I believed they believed made them look 'cool', but only made them look like they where trying too hard.


There where teenage guys, some wearing 'emo' style, others trying to look 'cool' and <personally> they where pulling it off rather well ;)
Some had long hair down or in ponytails, others short and spiked. It made me wonder what went through their mind when the ones with long hair put it up in a ponytail everyday.


And then there where the adults. Some where holding small children or walking with friends. Others where out alone, now as adults they looked rather normal, but it is impossible to be walking downtown in Chico and not see the oddball adult, and I did see a few! I walked down the stalls looking at the sweet, juicy red strawberries, I look around and see a woman holding a small child girl, smiling at her and kissing her cheek, to her right a man in a black suit with a bright red [bow]tie, long hair and boots. As I continue on on I notice a small group of teenage girls, one talking loudly and stringing the 'f' word into her sentence, I cringed at the word and felt sorry that someone barely older than me felt it necessary to use language like that.


We keep walking, and I keep watching all the people, the college students handing out flyers or pamphlets on some concert playing or a charity event. I am eager for the day a group of friends and I can come out here on a Thursday night and walk through all the stalls, looking at the homemade jewelry, pottery or even chairs.


We reach the corner of a block and of course, we just have to go into Powell's, the best 'old-times' candy store ever. There where over forty people crowded into the store, mom and Gramma stopped for some Gelato ice-cream and I went farther to the back to get a candy stick for my brother and sister. I also had to get a swirled lollipop for me. I am not usually a 'lollipop' kind of person, but it looked good and I wanted something sweet :) Finally after paying, we squeeze out through the crowds and move on.
We keep walking, then stop at a stall where my mom buys some kale, the English man working the stall calls her 'love' in his endearing accent. I grinned and mom smiled :)

We continued on, my mom and Gramma wanting to hurry, as they where getting tired. I wanted to walk the entire Market, but we had only come for vegetables. We had almost reached the end of the block we where walking along, we drew near to the park where I rock band was playing and hundreds of people mingled about going about whatever they had come that night for. I saw many boy and girl couples holding hands, some kissing. And I wondered if they had any idea of the risk they where taking together like that, did they even care? I couldn't help but wonder where the majority of these people where going.

I love going to the Markets, I love to see the produce, and I love watching the people. (You can tell a lot by what a person wears to places like these.) As we started to leave I wished again college wasn't a whole year away, I wanted to be one of the teenagers in these groups I saw walking about downtown. I do recognize the extra dangers going to college can present for a Christian, the temptations you can fall into. But I always pray that when the time comes that God will give me the strength to stand for what I believe, and to stay pure. I know the time will come when my faith is put to the test, and I will trust in the Lord to pull me through and be by my side always. I am still looking forward to college and the new and strange life it carries with it, but I am willing to wait. To let my faith grow stronger <and my brain ;P>


P.S: A very good special friend of mine {:)G} is going to college in a few months, and I want her to know she will always be in my prayers :)