Once Again

And once again, I am awed by the majesty of my Savior. I recently posted a rather drawn out post of how my life had been going, but now, now I wish to convey that I am happy again.
I have done exactly as a poem of mine recently said,

I went to You in prayer

I laid my sorrows at you're feet
You eased my hurt and heartache


Fresh strength You bestowed me
I felt you're peace and love
I arose from my knees


And I held my head high
for in You I know
I can fight through another day
with You by my side, I will stand


I am constantly reminded everyday, that I can be strong in Christ. I feel like I was trapping myself in a cage, but when will I realize, "in You I am free to fly?"
As it always will, life has thrown me for a loop, it's made me cry, it's made me laugh, it's made me sad and it's made me happy.
But in and through all of it, I knew I had a constant Fortress, an unbreakable Rock.
Things have been happening, I'm looking to the future and something I wish to do, being in constant prayer on the matter. I'm feeling like I'm moving towards the place God wants me, letting Him lead and show me the way.
Life was difficult for awhile, but things have quieted down, things are going well, and I'm happy :-)
There is a very good chance I could be getting a job in town, one that I would enjoy and be happy to work at, and school will be over in four months, that's always a plus ;-)

So now I bid ma-salam, may the rest of you're day be blessed.

How Can This Be?

How can this be? How can the year 2011 be coming to a close? How can I be a month from seventeen when I have had no time to enjoy being sixteen?
This year has coasted past me in a flurry of difficulty, joys, trials and errors, choices and growing up.
So much has happened this past year.....almost too much to describe.

The difficulties, being diagnosed with multiple scoliosis.....a painful hindrance to much I want to do.
The joys, my salvation which changed my life and where it is heading in a complete 180*
The trials and errors, battling with my sinful nature, and allowing it to win on occasion, the job searching and failing.
The choices, trying to decide if college or an Institute for the Arts is a better choice, do I contemplate moving out or staying at home? Do I try and go for that scholarship or get a student loan?
And the growing up, oh, I have done so much growing up it seems!! And I know I have so much more to do, I am yet a young woman, yet to reach her full maturity in womanhood.

So many events of the past year have moved me, changed me, hurt me and made me happy. I spoke of growing up in the form of driving a few months ago.........my license arrived in the mail three days ago.

For as long as I can remember, I looked forward to school. I loved learning.
But this year has been so difficult for me school-wise. I have never felt so much despair over something, that gnawing sensation of failure.
Does this make me prideful and arrogant, the anger I feel at failing? Maybe it does, maybe I am prideful and arrogant.......maybe I am being taught a lesson....
Lord willing this is my last full year of high school, Lord willing I graduate next year after a semester of 12th grade. Then I can focus on pursuing a job, saving up some money to help with college.

Strangely enough [or maybe not so strange] the words by Lewis from Till We Have Faces, come to my mind.

I have always...had a longing for death...it was happy days I longed the most...when we were up there on the hills...with the wind and sunshine.....and because it was so beautiful it set me longing, always longing


Yes! because death means eternity with Christ! Forever in perfection singing praises to my Savior.....
How glorious that day will be, when Jesus descends from the heavens and that trumpet sounds.
"......and every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess....."


Oh yes, I will be kneeling, and I will be confessing....I am kneeling and I am confessing, I am confessing everyday for the sins of my thoughts or deeds.
How amazing and glorious it is to know your heart has been wiped clean, your soul washed in the blood of Christ.....What a beautiful day it will be.....

In last weeks message my Pastor mentioned something.....how new believers have moments where they ask, "Lord, what wilt thou have me do, Lord What Shall I Do?"
And I smiled.

It was when I was happiest that I longed most...The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing...to find the place where all the beauty came from.

Gadsby Hymns, #195

Assist my soul, my heavenly King,
Thy everlasting love to sing;
And joyful spread thy praise abroad,
As one, through grace, that's born of God.


[No, it is not the will of man
My soul's new heavenly birth began;
Nor will nor power of flesh and blood
That turned my heart from sin to God.]


Herein let self be all abased,
And sovereign love alone confessed;
This be my song through all the road,
That born I am, and born of God.


Oh may this love my soul constrain
To make returns of love again;
That I, while earth is my abode,
May live like one that's born of God.


[May I thy praises daily show,
Who has created all things new,
and washed me in a Savior's blood
To prove I am a child of God.]


And when the appointed hour shall come,
That thou wilt call me to my home,
Joyful I'll pass the chilling flood,
And die as one that's born of God.


Then shall my soul triumphant rise
To its blest mansion in the skies;
And in that glorious, bright abode,
Sing then as one that's born of God.



Isn't this simply one of the most beautiful hymns you have ever heard?
as we sang this in church a few weeks ago I began to almost cry.
This song touched my heart, and sang the words I had been trying to express for so long.
The poems and the thoughts I shared, and here they were, written in a hymn for me to sing or to pray.
I wanted to share this with everyone who reads, or happens upon my blog, because this is a glorious hymn. And one that encourages those of us waited patiently to go 'home'.

Define Me

The joy I have felt
The peace I have found
The hurt I have overcome
The trials I have been through
The obstacles I have removed
The happiness I enjoy
The family I hold so dear
The friends I forever cherish

The comfort I have experienced
The eased suffering
The heartache and the loss
The love lost and gained
The winning and the losing
The hurt caused by the tongue
The swallowed pride and apologies
The grudge and the forgiveness

The tough days and harder years
The realizations and the acceptance
The surprises and the laughs
The new and the old
The broken and renewed dreams
The lost and gained again hope
The failure and the success

The life of a sinner
Saved by His Grace
Not of myself
It was the gift of God
These are the moments, the emotions
The trials and the errors
The crossed mountains and seas
And the hurls and the ditches
That defined who I was
Define who I am
And who I will become





*I am defined by the Creator of all
The Potter of the clay

Songs to Lift the Heart

When I'm stuck in this nothingness by myself,
I'm sitting here in silence, there's no way I can make it without your help, 
I won't even try. 
I know you have your reasons for everything,  
so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God You are my hope, and you'll be my strength.

No matter what, I 'm gonna love You 
No matter what, I'm gonna need You, 
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, if not, I'll trust You, no matter what, no matter what.




No matter our pain, no matter our suffering, no matter our loneliness, trust in Him always.


Everywhere I go, everyone is talking
I can feel them staring, they hope I'm just pretending
and giving up my power, caving into pressure
I'm not living for them, I live for something better

I'm not good enough, I'm not what they want
But let me tell you what, I know who I am
So just throw me out for not fitting in
I will stand my ground and be an outcast


Don't ever change who you are to conform to this world, you are the child of God. No matter what people say, how people act, don't change for the world, you have been changed by God, and that is all that matters.





I know the journey seems so long
You feel your walking on your own 
But there has never been a step
Where you've walked out all alone
Troubled soul don't lose your heart
'cause the joy and peace He brings, 
and the beauty that's in store,
outweighs the hurt of life's sting
There will be a day, with no more tears,
no more pain, and no more fears. There will be a day when the burdens of this place will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face


Although it hurts now, although it's so hard right now, never lose Faith. Even when life feels like it's winning the battle, never lose that hope, that faith and hope in the coming of our Lord, we will be rid of this world to be with Christ in glory forever.


Weak and weary sinner longing for relief
You've been watching, as disaster steals another piece
of all you held so close, what you love the most,
but you can never keep, and hope seems like a promise,
just out of reach.  You'd die to feel alive again,
you long to be set free

Then love comes down, when your heart is lost,
when you've seen your whole world shattered,
and your dreams just fall apart.
So lift up your voice, let Him hear your cry,
when you've got nothing left to hold onto,
that's when love comes down

Life can be so painful at times, you feel so alone, but never give in to those feelings. He is always there by you, he is always by your side holding you up. He will never give you more than you can handle, He knows the length of your strength, and He will always be there to guide you, even when you feel alone, you are not.

Songs: Kerri Roberts-No Matter What, Outcast
Jeremy Camp-There Will Be a Day
Kerri Roberts-Love Comes Down

Isaiah 40: 29-31

The Mercy and Grace of the Lord

Yesterday was an eventful day, firstly, my family and I went along with our home school group to a place called Woodleaf. An amazing and beautiful place, a large lake, large pool, slides, a swing that rises 100 ft. in the air an swings you out over the lake, and many other amazing characteristics. My best friend and I enjoyed the game room mainly, which was open to us this time. Pool tables, Foosball, and Ping-Pong, pool being the one we enjoyed the most.

After spending almost the entire day talking, laughing, and having an amazing time of 'togetherness', it was time for us to leave. It was about 4:15 in the afternoon when we left, but then, when we were about twenty minutes from home, we noticed our Gramma gesturing wildly at us through her windshield to pull over. And the moment we did, smoke began to billow out from under where our wheels were. Our brakes, apparently, had burned out.
Everyone scrambled out of the car and grabbed their things, the smell of burning brakes permeated the car, everyone, [my family minus one,  my little sis' best friend and Gramma] crowded around our smoking van and stared in amazement.
After a few minutes we decided that it was probably not wise to continue driving, so mom called dad [the blessings of a dad working in equipment rentals] and dad said he would bring out a car dolly, be he couldn't be there until the store closed. [at 5:00]
So we all sat on the side of the road for forty-five minutes patiently waiting for dad to come get us.
[It was a small blessing to see that at least some of the people who drove by and saw our predicament, bothered to stop and ask if we were ok]
After awhile of sitting and talking, my gramma and mom mentioned how it was such a blessing that gramma noticed something was wrong. The Lord kept us save that day, or we, in all probability, would have flown through the stop sign with no brakes and gotten in an accident. I was slightly disappointed at this turn of events, because it meant my breakfast with dad the next morning would be ruined.
But also, as a side though, thank the Lord it was a cool afternoon, because it was pleasant enough sitting on the side of the road waiting for dad to come rescue us.
Dad finally arrived with the car dolly, he hitched the van up and we were able to get home in one piece.

And so this morning, dad had to pull the van up to Chico and get it to Midas, which took a significant amount of time longer, because we missed our turn three times.... .....
We finally got it there, and then dad and I went back to our town and had the breakfast we had been planning for for three weeks, though it was really a brunch ;)
We then left for his work to put the car dolly back, and hitch up the log-splitter, which we towed home to cut all the logs we had so we can have our fireplace going this winter.
After getting it home and unhooked we all drove down to our 7-11 to get slurpees, then we got home again and split about forty logs.

All in all this was an eventful weekend, we were able to enjoy a wonderful day, [weather and fun wise]  and we were again shown the mercy and sovereignty of God.
The Lord kept us safe in a potentially very dangerous situation, and I got my breakfast with dad after all =)

Not quite so Cinquain, Thursday

Ok, so as I mentioned last week, I am aiming to try and get a book of poems published. Half of which will be Cinquains, but some poems as well. So I decided it will no longer be Cinquain Thursday, but, shall I call it.....
Creative Writing Thursday?
Ya, I think that sounds good huh?
So, without further ado, the poem for today!

My King


I lived, I walked His path
But now I have died,
my life is ended.
My soul His to receive.


I am fading away,
Oh, but I see a face,
one so glorious is shines.
It shines with a perfect beauty.


He is taking my hand,
leading me above.
Where I will be forever,
Home, Home with my King




I am not one to toot my own trains horn, but there has always been something about this particular poem that almost tears me up. To truly think about it, Home, to think about going where you know you truly belong, Home with my King. It is breathtaking to feel this way, to think upon the future where you leave this world behind, along with family and friends who will grieve you going. But at the same time you rejoice, because you are finally going where you truly belong, Home with my King.


Well, if you care to go back and look, I had previously posted this poem, earlier this year. But you will see I have revised it, I think this one flows better.

What Shalt I Do?

And He said unto them, "Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature."
-Mark 16:15
"Go ye therefore and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost"
-Matthew 28:19

Lately these verses have been resting in my mind, surfacing in a certain moment, causing me to dwell and pray on them. I would think not many young woman of my age have verses like this these ever ready to spring to the front of their mind. I just today changed the name of my blog, I felt the desire to do so when the desire for my life changed. I know people who are in missionary work, and I know of people in missionary work.
The new title for my blog has meaning, to explain.....for the last three years they where the words dwelling in my heart...Lord, what shalt I do to be saved?
But now, for the last six months they have been a prayer for guidance. After being saved What shalt I do became the prayer of a different kind. God is the creator, and the leader of my path in life. He controls it, he has preordained it. I come to crossroads, I come to bumps and ditches. So my heart ask's, Lord what shalt I do? What is your command?

And now, [it is still that] but it carries even more for me now. I have felt the calling to be a missionary for Christ, a soldier of the cross, to quote one of my favorite hymns. Of course, I know I need help for this, not just heavenly help, but the help of a husband. Having spoken to the wisest woman I know [mom] I got further assurance that if this was what I felt called to do, it was wonderful. But I needed to, of course, wait. It was not wise, [bordering on stupidity], to ever consider going out to be a missionary without a male companion. preferably a husband.
Then I again turn to those words, Lord what shalt I do? and I have found answers for that is some cases.
I can use these years of waiting to study and become more learned in my Bible. Three members of our church are street preachers, when I can drive on my own I can go down with them and listen, I can learn.

These have been my thoughts of late, the things my mind dwells in, the thing my heart prays on.
Lord I ask of thee, What shalt I do?


When that illustrious day shall rise, and all Thy armies shine, 
In robes of victory through the skies, the glory shall be Thine.

Sometimes I feel my trials are so small compared to yours...

Because of a certain post, on a certain persons blog I felt the desire to join The High Calling blogs. After joining and reading through the posts of hundreds of people who had dedicated their lives to God and took time to share their experiences I felt almost like I was so.....childish. I felt that the trials and troubles I had posted previously where so insignificant compared to some of the stories I read about. [Example: a seventeen year old boy suddenly being confronted with the death of his father.]
As I read through others I also saw lives filled with joy and happiness, lives blessed by the hand of God.


Being only sixteen I have been through more than people would ever guess looking at me. The scar on my finger from the surgery to remove a bone tumor is barely noticeable, you can't see the curve in my spine from the scoliosis. You can't see the healed mental and emotional scars I have gained over the years. When I tally these up and compare them to the stories of these other people I feel pathetic for ever thinking I had been through such hard experiences.


But then I had to remind myself that not everyone will be tested the same way, not everyone is going to go through the exact same tragedy or sorrow. I don't know the exact reason God put me through the things he did, but I do know it has made me stronger. And I can imagine that the others who have gone through things less severe, or more tragic have emerged stronger as well, more grounded in their Faith. I know I have, the things I went through have made my Faith in Christ grow. These things happened to me all in the years leading up to my Salvation, why didn't they happen after I had been saved? Why did God decide to let them happen when I was still a wicked, unsaved sinner? I don't have an answer, God works in mysterious ways.


Thinking again of the HCB, I think I will be back again tomorrow to read more of the lives of Christ's children, because today I found hope, faith, courage and strength. What will I find tomorrow?


My Faith looks up to thee, Oh Lamb of Calvary, may thy rich Grace impart, strength to my fainting heart.

Renewing old bonds

As we walked and talked, what where you thinking?

Close family friends unseen for many years, caused by a great distance between us, where finally reunited with us for a day. Smiles, hugs, joyful hellos all around. A mothers best friend for so many years finally seen again can cause one of the most happy smiles her daughter has ever seen come from her mother. it makes her feel happy and joyful for the opportunity. 




Contact via the internet can acquaint one with someone only so far, seeing them in person is a something entirely different. But an immediate hug can shatter your slightly nervous waiting-on-the-outskirts entirely :)
ten minutes of hugs and greetings and finally everyone gets inside, but that is simply a different environment for the talking and laughing to continue in.


After awhile tired and weary people drift off to bed, sleep is welcome. The next day more catching up and laughing, a morning walk with a new friend through the neighborhood. [my first without male company]
Finding much common ground and talking of our Salvation and the ways the Lord has worked in our lives, the morning went by in a flash of enjoyment and pleasure.
Thoughts drifted through my head, what does she think of me? Do I seem strange and unusual? Does she find me pleasurable company?


Not quite wanting to, we drift back home, crowded house full of chattering people.
The noise is that of happiness and biblical talking points, varying levels of voice pitch float through the house. Two of us find some quiet escape in ear budded music and email catching up :)


After the day has ended and everyone has quieted down a friend and I settle down for the journal/diary entry of the day. Contentedly listening to the strumming of the [very talented] guitar player. A smile raises to my lips, relishing and storing away the moment, having not experienced anything like it before.


It amazes me how after so many years the bond between two families can be renewed and strengthened as though not a single minute had passed. Parents joking and laughing about things in times past that remain wonderful memories and times of fellowship. I praise God for the opportunity I had to meet them all again [and a new one :] I was blessed with a day of memories, and I pray that we will all meet again in the future.


The bond of a friend and sister in Christ will last forever, unbreakable.

On Life, Ideas, Happiness and God's Blessings

AAHH!!! I am feeling a need to write!! But alas....I cannot think of anything to write about!! Isn't that just terrible!! A writer who does not know what to write!! [I think I broke a record for the most 'write(s) in one sentence]


My novel is coming along wonderfully, but I am taking a break to let my brain process some new ideas for the next few chapters. Right now I have so many written projects half finished, I'm not one to leave them hanging for long. But I have always, in everything I write, had moments where I simply can't keep going. I have to know that what I write will be good, or at least entertaining, before I can put it down on paper. [One of the very few things I am a perfectionist in]


My creative juices have been sucked dry in the last two months, four chapters for my novel sprang out of nowhere in a span of a week, and writing short stories for my little sister titled the Spy Chronicles of Maxine Goldman and Samantha Field. [She greatly enjoys me reading them to her, so I am trying to finish #4]


:) lately I have been feeling the desire to run out in a field of flowers and spin under the sun, laughing and jumping around like a little girl with my little sister. No matter how old I am or how mature I have grown, I will always have a bit of a child in me. The little kids always have so much fun!! Carefree and giggly, always seeing the good in people, they are such a joy :)


And look here, I guess I did have something to write about :) 
My writing or writing style may seem strange to you . But I guess writing is one thing I'm good at, and I can't help but share it.. And what I love almost as much as writing....is hearing what everyone else has to say. My comments are few from others, but anything you may want to say, maybe not even about the post, I love and welcome them!!!


God is so wonderful to me, His constant care and love has gotten me through so much. Life is such a joy, and family is such a blessing. Thank you Savior for all you have blessed this undeserving child of yours with.


Life is a gift, cherish it while you have it :)

Simply.....Happy

I just feel the need to share my joy and peace right now. I have never been one (for years) to feel completely at peace, or so very happy. But in the last few months (Mostly because I have the Holy Spirit dwelling in me) I have been utterly...... ecstatic, in spirit and mind. Happy with life, joyful in family, peace in the Word, smiles and laughter with a pretty cool little sister. I am sure I am not the only one who has times like these :)


Praise God from whom all blessings flow

Memories Are All That is Left

What do you do when someone you love dies?
What do you do when all that is left of them are memories?
What do you do when you want to comfort, but feel none yourself?
What do you do when you feel like you need to cry, but the tears will not come?
Pray, and find peace and comfort in Christ.

Cinquain-Thursday [2]

Gazing


All around me

The beauty of earth

Showing His glory forever                                                    


Awing

The Beauty of a Sunny Day

It's June and outside the sun is shining and warm breezes drifts through the air. 
The trees have lost all their leaves and the grass has turned brown. For a month we have been waiting for our summer to finally arrive, and now that it has, I am ecstatic. My favorite time of year is winter, but there is something about a hot summers day that takes the cake. The river and lakes here are a sparkling blue, the bare oak trees make a uniquely shaped silhouette against the sky.  

Large F250s hauling boats are driving the streets to the destination of Oroville Lake, and teenagers are out in fuller numbers now that school is out. 


Would you believe that the atmosphere of the city seems to change come summer? It is most likely just me, but I can feel a change in the air during summer, the smell of water and the taste of freedom and slurpees. (slurpees being Oroville's version of an icee)

There is just something about waking up in the morning, the sun shining through the window, and a nice long stretch, yawning and laying back with a smile, knowing that your burden of school is over for three whole months. The prospect of week long sleepovers, 711 runs, trips to the lake, walks, and the general freedom of  NO SCHOOL makes me smile. 


I may sound like I am making a big deal out of nothing, but lately I have been really happy. Things are moving ahead, my licence is just around the corner, and summer brings more chances to look for a job. 


There is also Vacation Bible School I am volunteering at this July as well, as a kind of TA :)
I have great memories from doing it last year, I made a few good little friends in some of the kids there.


Well, to make a long-winded jabbering-on short, I am greatly loving summer and looking forward to the things I will be doing during it.


*Let us give praise for this day, this day which was given us in His mercy

The Beauty of a Rainy Day

It's June, and it raining outside, and there are dark clouds circling in the sky. The cold wind is blowing and the ground is wet and slippery. Yet, I feel happy.

After being behind in school and feeling so bad and annoyed about it, I finally have have the tantalizing aspect of summer freedom barely two weeks away. I have finally almost completely caught up in all my classes, and very eager for summer, yet looking forward to my last year of school in September. My best friend is going to college this year, and a friend from where I volunteer is leaving for Stanford this year as well, I had always felt like everyone was leaving me behind. But now I don't, I feel like I can finally be patient enough to know I can make it through the next year in one piece :)


Even when it's like this outside, I am still happy, this rain won't last forever. I am looking forward to wake up in a morning soon where I look out my window and see the sun and all of God's glorious creation shining in the mask of a new day. Even when it is cold and wet I am amazed by His creation, the simple science of a rainy day is almost too much to comprehend. Our God is an Awesome God.


*Tomorrow is a new day, and a new day brings a new chance

A Poem A Day-Thursday

I see here now

The perfect sight

Of beauty and glory

The Creators hand.