Once Again

And once again, I am awed by the majesty of my Savior. I recently posted a rather drawn out post of how my life had been going, but now, now I wish to convey that I am happy again.
I have done exactly as a poem of mine recently said,

I went to You in prayer

I laid my sorrows at you're feet
You eased my hurt and heartache


Fresh strength You bestowed me
I felt you're peace and love
I arose from my knees


And I held my head high
for in You I know
I can fight through another day
with You by my side, I will stand


I am constantly reminded everyday, that I can be strong in Christ. I feel like I was trapping myself in a cage, but when will I realize, "in You I am free to fly?"
As it always will, life has thrown me for a loop, it's made me cry, it's made me laugh, it's made me sad and it's made me happy.
But in and through all of it, I knew I had a constant Fortress, an unbreakable Rock.
Things have been happening, I'm looking to the future and something I wish to do, being in constant prayer on the matter. I'm feeling like I'm moving towards the place God wants me, letting Him lead and show me the way.
Life was difficult for awhile, but things have quieted down, things are going well, and I'm happy :-)
There is a very good chance I could be getting a job in town, one that I would enjoy and be happy to work at, and school will be over in four months, that's always a plus ;-)

So now I bid ma-salam, may the rest of you're day be blessed.

Stand

I tried to stand, but could not
So I knelt before Your throne
Breathing in, breathing out

I went to You in prayer
I laid my sorrows at Your feet
You eased my hurt and heartache

Fresh strength you bestowed me
I felt your peace and love
I rose from my knees

And I held my head high
For in You I know
I can fight through another day
With You by my side, I will stand

Thankful

This last week was my favorite time of year. Beside the breath taking beauty of the trees' new garb,

it's a time were we all can just take a step back, and look at life. Look at what God has given us, see the beauty and love that surrounds us. We list things we're thankful for, we stuff ourselves with the traditional foods and we enjoy our family's company.

This year I [along with two of my siblings and my dad] went up to northern Oregon to visit my grandparents for Thanksgiving. It was so beautiful there, [albeit freezing cold ;] I absolutely loved it. After Thanksgiving day we all drove to the coast to see the ocean [can you believe it was my first time ever seeing the ocean!?] we visited Depoe Bay and Lincoln. We trolled through the little sea-side town that bordered the shore line and ate a wonderful dinner at a place called Tidal Raves.

The wind was blowing hard that day, and it was below 30*, my jean jacket over my hoody was barely enough to keep me from becoming an icicle.

Well, to touch on the ocean..

That day there were waves crashing against the rocks and sweeping thirty feet up the shore, dousing my younger brother who decided that it was cool, and he could now say "I have been touched by the ocean!'"

His shoes are now hard and white from the salt ;)

Standing as close as we could get to the water, we often had to scamper backwards to avoid the waves rushing up in an attempt to freeze our feet with it's frigid waters.

The only thing I could think of as I gazed across that vast expanse, was the awesome power of God, it was very humbling.

After a day spent at the coast and in town we finally drove back to the house. I lay on the couch that night smiling as I rewound the memories in my mind, letting them cement themselves into my memory, for I knew they would be cherished for a long time.

What I was thankful for last week,

The time I was able to spend with family we don't often get to see, and having the chance to see something so beautiful and powerful.

And I was thankful that I had another year to enjoy my family, to see them laughing and smiling.

I was thankful for the love, kindness, joy and care that I have gotten from my family and friends this year, and for the life I have been given, 

I have been given a loving family, amazing friends, a roof over my head and food on the table and the grace of a Savior who saved me from myself.

Who could ask for more?

*photos by me

Gadsby Hymns, #195

Assist my soul, my heavenly King,
Thy everlasting love to sing;
And joyful spread thy praise abroad,
As one, through grace, that's born of God.


[No, it is not the will of man
My soul's new heavenly birth began;
Nor will nor power of flesh and blood
That turned my heart from sin to God.]


Herein let self be all abased,
And sovereign love alone confessed;
This be my song through all the road,
That born I am, and born of God.


Oh may this love my soul constrain
To make returns of love again;
That I, while earth is my abode,
May live like one that's born of God.


[May I thy praises daily show,
Who has created all things new,
and washed me in a Savior's blood
To prove I am a child of God.]


And when the appointed hour shall come,
That thou wilt call me to my home,
Joyful I'll pass the chilling flood,
And die as one that's born of God.


Then shall my soul triumphant rise
To its blest mansion in the skies;
And in that glorious, bright abode,
Sing then as one that's born of God.



Isn't this simply one of the most beautiful hymns you have ever heard?
as we sang this in church a few weeks ago I began to almost cry.
This song touched my heart, and sang the words I had been trying to express for so long.
The poems and the thoughts I shared, and here they were, written in a hymn for me to sing or to pray.
I wanted to share this with everyone who reads, or happens upon my blog, because this is a glorious hymn. And one that encourages those of us waited patiently to go 'home'.

Define Me

The joy I have felt
The peace I have found
The hurt I have overcome
The trials I have been through
The obstacles I have removed
The happiness I enjoy
The family I hold so dear
The friends I forever cherish

The comfort I have experienced
The eased suffering
The heartache and the loss
The love lost and gained
The winning and the losing
The hurt caused by the tongue
The swallowed pride and apologies
The grudge and the forgiveness

The tough days and harder years
The realizations and the acceptance
The surprises and the laughs
The new and the old
The broken and renewed dreams
The lost and gained again hope
The failure and the success

The life of a sinner
Saved by His Grace
Not of myself
It was the gift of God
These are the moments, the emotions
The trials and the errors
The crossed mountains and seas
And the hurls and the ditches
That defined who I was
Define who I am
And who I will become





*I am defined by the Creator of all
The Potter of the clay

Songs to Lift the Heart

When I'm stuck in this nothingness by myself,
I'm sitting here in silence, there's no way I can make it without your help, 
I won't even try. 
I know you have your reasons for everything,  
so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God You are my hope, and you'll be my strength.

No matter what, I 'm gonna love You 
No matter what, I'm gonna need You, 
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, if not, I'll trust You, no matter what, no matter what.




No matter our pain, no matter our suffering, no matter our loneliness, trust in Him always.


Everywhere I go, everyone is talking
I can feel them staring, they hope I'm just pretending
and giving up my power, caving into pressure
I'm not living for them, I live for something better

I'm not good enough, I'm not what they want
But let me tell you what, I know who I am
So just throw me out for not fitting in
I will stand my ground and be an outcast


Don't ever change who you are to conform to this world, you are the child of God. No matter what people say, how people act, don't change for the world, you have been changed by God, and that is all that matters.





I know the journey seems so long
You feel your walking on your own 
But there has never been a step
Where you've walked out all alone
Troubled soul don't lose your heart
'cause the joy and peace He brings, 
and the beauty that's in store,
outweighs the hurt of life's sting
There will be a day, with no more tears,
no more pain, and no more fears. There will be a day when the burdens of this place will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face


Although it hurts now, although it's so hard right now, never lose Faith. Even when life feels like it's winning the battle, never lose that hope, that faith and hope in the coming of our Lord, we will be rid of this world to be with Christ in glory forever.


Weak and weary sinner longing for relief
You've been watching, as disaster steals another piece
of all you held so close, what you love the most,
but you can never keep, and hope seems like a promise,
just out of reach.  You'd die to feel alive again,
you long to be set free

Then love comes down, when your heart is lost,
when you've seen your whole world shattered,
and your dreams just fall apart.
So lift up your voice, let Him hear your cry,
when you've got nothing left to hold onto,
that's when love comes down

Life can be so painful at times, you feel so alone, but never give in to those feelings. He is always there by you, he is always by your side holding you up. He will never give you more than you can handle, He knows the length of your strength, and He will always be there to guide you, even when you feel alone, you are not.

Songs: Kerri Roberts-No Matter What, Outcast
Jeremy Camp-There Will Be a Day
Kerri Roberts-Love Comes Down

The Mercy and Grace of the Lord

Yesterday was an eventful day, firstly, my family and I went along with our home school group to a place called Woodleaf. An amazing and beautiful place, a large lake, large pool, slides, a swing that rises 100 ft. in the air an swings you out over the lake, and many other amazing characteristics. My best friend and I enjoyed the game room mainly, which was open to us this time. Pool tables, Foosball, and Ping-Pong, pool being the one we enjoyed the most.

After spending almost the entire day talking, laughing, and having an amazing time of 'togetherness', it was time for us to leave. It was about 4:15 in the afternoon when we left, but then, when we were about twenty minutes from home, we noticed our Gramma gesturing wildly at us through her windshield to pull over. And the moment we did, smoke began to billow out from under where our wheels were. Our brakes, apparently, had burned out.
Everyone scrambled out of the car and grabbed their things, the smell of burning brakes permeated the car, everyone, [my family minus one,  my little sis' best friend and Gramma] crowded around our smoking van and stared in amazement.
After a few minutes we decided that it was probably not wise to continue driving, so mom called dad [the blessings of a dad working in equipment rentals] and dad said he would bring out a car dolly, be he couldn't be there until the store closed. [at 5:00]
So we all sat on the side of the road for forty-five minutes patiently waiting for dad to come get us.
[It was a small blessing to see that at least some of the people who drove by and saw our predicament, bothered to stop and ask if we were ok]
After awhile of sitting and talking, my gramma and mom mentioned how it was such a blessing that gramma noticed something was wrong. The Lord kept us save that day, or we, in all probability, would have flown through the stop sign with no brakes and gotten in an accident. I was slightly disappointed at this turn of events, because it meant my breakfast with dad the next morning would be ruined.
But also, as a side though, thank the Lord it was a cool afternoon, because it was pleasant enough sitting on the side of the road waiting for dad to come rescue us.
Dad finally arrived with the car dolly, he hitched the van up and we were able to get home in one piece.

And so this morning, dad had to pull the van up to Chico and get it to Midas, which took a significant amount of time longer, because we missed our turn three times.... .....
We finally got it there, and then dad and I went back to our town and had the breakfast we had been planning for for three weeks, though it was really a brunch ;)
We then left for his work to put the car dolly back, and hitch up the log-splitter, which we towed home to cut all the logs we had so we can have our fireplace going this winter.
After getting it home and unhooked we all drove down to our 7-11 to get slurpees, then we got home again and split about forty logs.

All in all this was an eventful weekend, we were able to enjoy a wonderful day, [weather and fun wise]  and we were again shown the mercy and sovereignty of God.
The Lord kept us safe in a potentially very dangerous situation, and I got my breakfast with dad after all =)

Sometimes I feel my trials are so small compared to yours...

Because of a certain post, on a certain persons blog I felt the desire to join The High Calling blogs. After joining and reading through the posts of hundreds of people who had dedicated their lives to God and took time to share their experiences I felt almost like I was so.....childish. I felt that the trials and troubles I had posted previously where so insignificant compared to some of the stories I read about. [Example: a seventeen year old boy suddenly being confronted with the death of his father.]
As I read through others I also saw lives filled with joy and happiness, lives blessed by the hand of God.


Being only sixteen I have been through more than people would ever guess looking at me. The scar on my finger from the surgery to remove a bone tumor is barely noticeable, you can't see the curve in my spine from the scoliosis. You can't see the healed mental and emotional scars I have gained over the years. When I tally these up and compare them to the stories of these other people I feel pathetic for ever thinking I had been through such hard experiences.


But then I had to remind myself that not everyone will be tested the same way, not everyone is going to go through the exact same tragedy or sorrow. I don't know the exact reason God put me through the things he did, but I do know it has made me stronger. And I can imagine that the others who have gone through things less severe, or more tragic have emerged stronger as well, more grounded in their Faith. I know I have, the things I went through have made my Faith in Christ grow. These things happened to me all in the years leading up to my Salvation, why didn't they happen after I had been saved? Why did God decide to let them happen when I was still a wicked, unsaved sinner? I don't have an answer, God works in mysterious ways.


Thinking again of the HCB, I think I will be back again tomorrow to read more of the lives of Christ's children, because today I found hope, faith, courage and strength. What will I find tomorrow?


My Faith looks up to thee, Oh Lamb of Calvary, may thy rich Grace impart, strength to my fainting heart.

Keeping Strong(er)

Summer is almost here, I can feel it in the air, the whisper of warmer days, and the rustle of dried grass under my feet. I sit on my bed gazing out the window, the sky is so blue. The clouds are a fluffy, clean white, idly floating through the sky, watching the bustle of life below them

The view from my bed is a clear, open, direct view into the sky and the hills beyond our neighborhood. I feel the strongest yearning to be free, to be one of those birds flying by, to soar through the air and feel the wind in my face.

But I am suddenly pulled back to reality, for there is a pile of school text books and homework assignment sitting in front of me, shattering my want for summer and the unburdening of school.

Sighing I stare at all the work that must be finished, knowing I am behind in Biology and coming to the realization I will be doing it through the summer, to finish before the next school year. Sometimes the load of school seems almost too much to take; being someone who cannot stand failing at anything is difficult when I have never gotten a grade over D in Algebra.

A headache is coming on; I can feel an ominous ache in the back of my skull. The stress I put on myself is more than I should, and I know it. But it’s hard not to. I feel like I am ready to fail, but furious at myself for feeling the need to give up.

I was convicted in church today; about a week ago I was diagnosed with scoliosis. And I had been telling myself that I would get through this……on my own. I didn’t need help, I was tough, I had been through things like this for a long time. But as I sat in church the Lord moved me, He convicted me that I couldn’t get through this in my own strength, that I needed His strength and faith in Him to pull me through.

For the longest time in my teenage years I dealt with things I always kept to myself. I was very independent, determined to do things on my own. Feeling like I was weak if I needed help from anyone. But I found that that has changed, as have many more things since I was saved. I realized that I did need help, heavenly and earthly help. I needed the help of my Heavenly Father, and the help of my father and mother on earth.

Recently I finally spoke to my dad (: who I am very close to :) about some things that I knew he needed to know, and he could help me with. I have always wished the praise and respect of my parents, and I was terrified that they would be so ashamed of me if I told them. For two years I never did, fearing their disappointment, but finally, I did. And I thanked God for the opportunity and the time to talk to my dad. I never realized how much of a weight would be lifted when I let go of this secret I had been holding for so long.

I am sitting on my bed again, pondering the things happening in my life, pain, stress, uncertainty. But I again, as I have so many times before, feel a peace and strength in me I never had before.

The peace and strength of my Savior, smiling I look down at my schoolwork, picking up a pencil I begin the work I know I must do, knowing that God has given me the strength to go on.

~I love you dad, you mean more to me than I can ever express. 

Driving

Well, today is exiting, thrilling, amazing, humbling and scary all at the same time. Today I go to the DMV to get my permit so I can begin the driving process, finally, after years of waiting. I finally get the one thing almost all teenagers long for in their teen years. A license, well, what is so special about a small piece of plastic that is going to spend almost 99% of it's time in your wallet or purse? It's a sense of freedom, it's almost like the last step to adulthood, and you are finally deemed responsible enough to drive out on the open road. You can go places on your own you never would have been able to before, do errands for your mom, drive to school on your own. But with these few cool things you can do, you are also taking on a great responsibility, you are putting yourself and others at risk if you do not take this privilege seriously. I'm not sure whether I am more exited and ready for this new bit of road in life that has been opened to me, or more scared about what I may face on it. I have always been so ready to grow up, eager to go ahead to college, but annoyed I'm still stuck in the last years of High School, I have always wanted to be independent, to go out and drive around where I wanted to, or to go somewhere on my own. But now that I am almost 'grown up' I'm not sure if I'm ready, do I want to lose this last bit of the kid in me? Then I begin to go through the mental list of how being 'almost an adult' will help my mom and dad. When I need to go to work, I can drive, and mom won't have to take me every time. When mom needs a couple things from the grocery store, I can get them for her, she won't need to. Or when I need to go check in at all the places I applied for a job, she doesn't need to take the time to take me, I can do it myself. I am looking forward to all these things, I am happy I will be able to help my mom out in more ways than I already do. But the cons of growing up are also dangerous, I could cause an accident. Or hit someone crossing the road, no matter whose fault it would be. I could get hit by a car as well. I came to the conclusion that growing up and taking on new responsibilities is a good thing, I'm learning to be mature in new things. And that almost all things I will begin to do in the next two years will all have cons, or some kind of danger. There is a danger in everything we do, to some degree. And maturing and growing up is all a part of life. I am ready to do this, and I can always count on having a solid rock at my side, always there watching over me, keeping me safe if that is His will. Or involving me in something that may get me hurt or someone else. To teach me a lesson, or to test my faith in Him, or even to save someone else through me. I don't know what life is going to bring with my being able to drive, I don't know what is in store for me, or what may come of all this. But I am ready, and no matter what happens, good or bad. I will always trust in my Savior.